By Leanne Italie, Associated Press
Leonard Sax, a family physician and psychologist for 27 years, has conducted workshops worldwide for parents, teachers, counselors, social workers and school psychologists.
From such perspectives along with his as a father, he took on his fourth book--an alarm bell of sorts titled "The Collapse of Parenting" (Basic, 304 pages, $26.95), published in December.
American families are facing a crisis of authority, with the children in charge and out of shape physically and emotionally, according to Sax, who lives in Exton, Pa.
He calls for a reordering of family life in response.
Q: What do you mean by a collapse of parenting?
A: I wrote about an office visit with a 10-year-old boy, who is sitting and playing a game on his mobile phone, ignoring me and his mom as I’m talking with his mom about his stomachache. And his mom is describing his stomachache, and the boy says, “Shut up, Mom; you don’t know what you’re talking about." And he laughs.
That would have been very unusual in 1990 or 2000. It is now common: children, girls and boys, being disrespectful to parents, being disrespectful to one another, being disrespectful to themselves — verbally and otherwise. The mother did nothing.
Q: What does the book really address?
A: The transfer of authority from parents to kids. I think you should treat kids like grown-ups. I think you should expect them to be mature and to behave.
It’s not about the abdication of authority.
For example, it’s common now in this country to find parents who are chauffeuring their 8-year-old or 12-year-old around to various schools, among families that are choosing a school, and the parent functions as educational consultant. The parent makes a recommendation, but the child makes the final decision.
Q: Do you have other examples?
A: The same is true with regard to a cellphone in the bedroom. You now find kids at 10, 12, 14, 16 years of age who have their phone in their bedroom at 2 in the morning. You take the device at night, and you put it in the charger, which stays in the parents’ bedroom. No child should have a phone in their bedroom unsupervised.
Q: What about the value of the family dinner?
A: Research shows having a family meal at home without distractions is important — every day. Not doing that indicates that time spent at home with parents is the least important priority; it doesn’t matter; it can be overlooked and forgotten.
By communicating that time at home as a family is our highest priority, you are sending the message that family matters. So many kids are in the race to nowhere, trying to add things onto their resume through extracurricular activities with no sense of why. They just burn out at 15.
Q: What about time spent in the car?
A: No earbuds in the car. You commonly have this, and kids are not engaging with their parents. Everybody’s in a rush. That time in the car is precious. The time in the car is for you to listen to your child and your child to listen to you.
My 9-year-old daughter and I know the lyrics to almost every song from Mary Poppins.
Q: What should parents do to help a child or teenager become a fulfilled adult?
A: The first thing is to teach humility, which is now the most un-American of virtues. When I meet with kids, I ask them what they think it is and they literally have no idea. I’ve done that from third grade through 12th grade. The high-school kids are more clueless than the third-graders.
The second thing is to enjoy the time with your child. Don’t multitask. Get outdoors with your child.
The last thing: Teach the meaning of life.
http://www.leonardsax.com/
Leonard Sax, a family physician and psychologist for 27 years, has conducted workshops worldwide for parents, teachers, counselors, social workers and school psychologists.
From such perspectives along with his as a father, he took on his fourth book--an alarm bell of sorts titled "The Collapse of Parenting" (Basic, 304 pages, $26.95), published in December.
American families are facing a crisis of authority, with the children in charge and out of shape physically and emotionally, according to Sax, who lives in Exton, Pa.
He calls for a reordering of family life in response.
Q: What do you mean by a collapse of parenting?
A: I wrote about an office visit with a 10-year-old boy, who is sitting and playing a game on his mobile phone, ignoring me and his mom as I’m talking with his mom about his stomachache. And his mom is describing his stomachache, and the boy says, “Shut up, Mom; you don’t know what you’re talking about." And he laughs.
That would have been very unusual in 1990 or 2000. It is now common: children, girls and boys, being disrespectful to parents, being disrespectful to one another, being disrespectful to themselves — verbally and otherwise. The mother did nothing.
Q: What does the book really address?
A: The transfer of authority from parents to kids. I think you should treat kids like grown-ups. I think you should expect them to be mature and to behave.
It’s not about the abdication of authority.
For example, it’s common now in this country to find parents who are chauffeuring their 8-year-old or 12-year-old around to various schools, among families that are choosing a school, and the parent functions as educational consultant. The parent makes a recommendation, but the child makes the final decision.
Q: Do you have other examples?
A: The same is true with regard to a cellphone in the bedroom. You now find kids at 10, 12, 14, 16 years of age who have their phone in their bedroom at 2 in the morning. You take the device at night, and you put it in the charger, which stays in the parents’ bedroom. No child should have a phone in their bedroom unsupervised.
Q: What about the value of the family dinner?
A: Research shows having a family meal at home without distractions is important — every day. Not doing that indicates that time spent at home with parents is the least important priority; it doesn’t matter; it can be overlooked and forgotten.
By communicating that time at home as a family is our highest priority, you are sending the message that family matters. So many kids are in the race to nowhere, trying to add things onto their resume through extracurricular activities with no sense of why. They just burn out at 15.
Q: What about time spent in the car?
A: No earbuds in the car. You commonly have this, and kids are not engaging with their parents. Everybody’s in a rush. That time in the car is precious. The time in the car is for you to listen to your child and your child to listen to you.
My 9-year-old daughter and I know the lyrics to almost every song from Mary Poppins.
Q: What should parents do to help a child or teenager become a fulfilled adult?
A: The first thing is to teach humility, which is now the most un-American of virtues. When I meet with kids, I ask them what they think it is and they literally have no idea. I’ve done that from third grade through 12th grade. The high-school kids are more clueless than the third-graders.
The second thing is to enjoy the time with your child. Don’t multitask. Get outdoors with your child.
The last thing: Teach the meaning of life.
http://www.leonardsax.com/